


dear dan

by cityscaped (touchofgold)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Character Death, Letters, M/M, angst???, that one fic i forgot to post on this site
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-29
Updated: 2016-05-29
Packaged: 2018-07-10 23:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7012189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/touchofgold/pseuds/cityscaped
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a collection of unsent letters from phil to dan</p>
            </blockquote>





	dear dan

**Author's Note:**

> so this was a oneshot that i posted on tumblr but it never made it to this website huh oh and i have another similar titled fic so check that out xoxo
> 
> ps: the dates say 2014 & 2015 because this was written around 2015
> 
> ironicllyphan.tumblr.com

1 / 11 / 2014

 ** _Dear Dan_** ,

 How long has it been? A month? A year? God I lost track of time. Apparently the therapist says that writing these letters will help me. I say she’s just a crazy bitch my parents are wasting their money on.

Everything keeps coming back in flashbacks Dan, I can’t block it out. Everything from that day, I remember it all, everything to the tiniest detail. The shirt that you wore, the smell of your aftershave, the little bit of fringe just slightly out of place. I remembered it all.

God this is so cheesy, I miss you Dan. I fucking miss you.

I just want you.

_Love, Phil._

8 / 11 /2014

 ** _Dear Dan_** ,

 It’s been a week, my therapist says I should explain everything from that day. I just yelled at her and stormed out of the session. She doesn’t know anything about me. She doesn’t know anything about you. All she knew was facts from your files and she claims to know everything about you.

Like hell would she know about how you sing in the shower every single day. Or how you constantly complained about me stealing your cereal. She doesn’t even know about your existential crisis. And she claims to know everything about you from the stupid police folders.

Dan everything has changed ever since that day. Dan I’ve changed. The apartment is so quiet now without your ridiculously loud laugh. I’ve quit the radio show as well; I just couldn’t handled doing it alone without you. God even our friends can’t forget you. It has always been Dan and Phil.

But what happened? Why? Everything changed since that day and I wished it never did. I hate it. I hate it all, I hate everything and everyone! But I will never hate you.

I need you.

_Love, Phil._

15 / 11 / 2014

**_Dear Dan,_ **

 What’s it like, where you’re at? Tell me, anything would do. Even your stupid internet slang. How are you coping? PJ and Chris came over, just so you know. Dan, we all miss you. We miss the fuck out of you.

I’ve decided to write down what happened on that fateful day. Just to get my therapist off my back.

It was just a few days prior to Halloween. We were both shopping for some Halloween baking decorations remember? I still remembered how you complained and argued about what baking recipe we should’ve made for our subscribers. I remember how we were too busy choosing Haribo candies and icing to even argue further about the baking recipe.

We were going to go to Seven Dials remember? You wanted a new Halloween jumper badly for the video and we were going to go and purchase it. You were so happy when you finally found the jumper you wanted and you said, “I would wear this ironically everywhere.”. And I laughed. You laughed. Your laughter was music to my ears, just hearing your laugh makes me feel all jittery and soft.

We were leaving the shop when it happened. You were joking about something. I told you to cross the road whilst I checked something in a shop. And when I left the shop, there was a cluster of people surrounding the spot I just left you. I pushed through the people and Dan.. Oh Dan.

It was you, lying in a pool of blood. A car was right next to your body and the driver was frantically touching you and calling the ambulance. Dan, it was your body, on the ground, hit by a stupid driver. That’s when it hit me. The shock registered in my body.

Did you feel my hand squeezing yours as we sped to the hospital inside the ambulance. I always wanted to ride an ambulance, but not with you on your dying breath. Dan your hands were so cold, like the blood was slowly rushing out of you. Your brown eyes, once held so much life inside them, slowly fading away. Your body, crushed and twisted at askew angles but you still looked like the same person to me.

I remember holding your hand tightly every night at the hospital, refusing sleep and company. Dan, your hands grew colder every night and the monitor beeps got slower and slower. Dan, I was there, I was there for it all.

I was there as the last beep finally faded away.

And everything from there was a blur of tears and broken hearts. Dan, you were my everything.

And I lost you.

_Love, Phil._

22 / 11 / 2014

**_Dear Dan,_ **

My therapist says she’s happy with my previous letter. Not that I’m showing her everything of course, I just read excerpts for her. I remembered your funeral so vividly, a few days prior the accident.

It was just how you imagined any sort of funeral. Your family was there, some of our Youtube friends were there such as PJ, Chris and Louise. Cat flew in from America and so did a few other Youtubers. I couldn’t watch your funeral Dan, sorry. It was too heart wrenching for me to see them lower your casket into the ground.

Everything was black. You would’ve loved it. Instead you were the one in the casket, laying in the ground, buried a few feet under me. No one really knew what to do Dan. My eyes were constantly red. I’d forgotten how to feel.

I’ve deactivated my social media accounts except for Youtube. There were countless spams of comments about your death. I tried to make a video, I really did. But in the end, I just deleted my Youtube channel. AmazingPhil was a wild ride for eight years.

Everyday, at your little sofa crease, I watched your videos. I watched and rewatched them until I knew what you were going to say by heart. But that isn’t going to change the fact your body isn’t right next to me.

I’m going to sell the apartment soon, move back in with my parents. Memories of our Youtube adventures all wiped away with one click. I kept most of our videos though, watching our Phil is Not On Fire videos for days.

But fuck, that can’t bring you back. I don’t know what will.

_Love, Phil_

1 / 1 / 2015

**_Dear Dan,_ **

****It’s been a month since I had written to you. My therapist decided to stop me from writing for a moment and focus on poetry. Not that it was anything bad, it’s just that all my poems just reminded me, painfully, of you.

_True love is when_

_I eat your cereal and you don’t complain_

_True love is when_

_You accept my flaws that come with the pain_

_True love is when_

_I suck at poetry and you love them anyway_

I can’t write poetry for shit. You were always the more articulate and talented one. I could never write anything that doesn’t sound like it has been stolen of the Internet. But there’s something secret I could never tell anyone about and I can only tell you.

I’m cutting.

Every time the blade touches my skin, I feel like the pain takes away my feelings inside. Ruby, crimson red blood was my pain and it dripped away and faded into nothing. But there’s still a gaping hole where my heart used to be that I could never fix.

Happy New Years Dan.

_Love, Phil._

21 / 1 / 2015

**_Dear Dan,_ **

 It’s been some time. But I had made my decision. Look, I had even got some rope for the occasion. I love you so much Dan and I wished.

I wished that I was brave like a lion, I wished that I was strong like a giant, I wished that I wasn’t afraid to tell you how I feel. Dan, I love you.

Love drove me insane. I love you and I can’t bear to live in a world without you. You always said how we could be soulmates and maybe we are.

The knot is tied and everything is ready. I love you Dan, now we won’t be two worlds apart, just wait and see.

_I’m coming._

_Love, Phil._


End file.
